... thinking ... (out loud)

Arguing with reality

"You can question reality and you'll lose,

but only 100% of the time."

I recently came across "The Work" by Byron Katie – a surprisingly simple process for questioning the unchallenged beliefs that sit in everybody's subconscious. You know the ones. The thoughts that ‘pop’ into your head. The beliefs that blindly lob in from out of nowhere into your thinking - about what you ‘should’ believe, what you ‘should’ be worried about.

An array of thoughts that accompany our every waking moment, completely unbidden – you wake up and in they come. Untested, frequently unproductive - accompanied without any certificate or guarantee of accuracy for that matter. 

Yet these beliefs often survive relatively unnoticed and unchallenged, fundamentally altering how we experience the world around us.

 It seems to me that these thoughts fall into 3 broad categories,

1  -  I'm being persecuted,

"I knew that would happen (to me)."
(apparently it is possible to be clairvoyant)

"I never win.”
(Never? Or do you mean you just conveniently forget the occasions when you have? Apparently not frequently enough to make an impression.)

“I never have any luck.”
(We’ll ignore the fact that you're probably reasonably healthy, have food to eat, a roof over your head at night, access to electricity, computer and the Internet, and sufficient education to read this!)

 

2  -  self limiting,

“I’m not good enough.”
and you definitely know this, how?)

“I can’t do that.”
(Believe it and presto! you get more evident proving you're right …)

“I don’t deserve …”
(in the sense that you somehow have been judged as unworthy or unwashed or unsomething ...)

Or 3  -  judgemental
thoughts that infer somehow that one person is superior or inferior to another,

"that's not my job"
(deny responsibility; don't blame me, it's not my fault ….)

“I’m better than you are."
(This one comes in a plethora of subtle versions.)

”She’s prettier.” "He’s fat." "Look at the size of her nose." "What a stupid thing to say."
(An ad nauseum myriad of desperate little thoughts usually trying to pretend they are evidence of superiority.)

What had me pondering about our often overlooked, but never absent, subconscious stream of thoughts was a conversation I had recently with my 14 year old son regarding a new computer game that didn’t work.

His anticipation had been building – he had saved up for the game, paid a deposit and waited for its release - which made what happened next all the more disappointing for him.

Install program, crash. Groan of disappointment. Reboot program. Crash again. Groan. Reboot laptop, then program. Crash again. Response censored.

And I then he surprised me by saying what I think is a classic example of an unchallenged belief,

“I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. This always happens to me.”
(that's the "I'm being persecuted" clairvoyant belief, isn't it?)

When gently challenged for proof of this claim that it was true he knew that this would happen, his response was adamant,

“This always happens (to me).”

From which I infer that,

a) he has been marked by the universe for particularly ‘special’ unlucky attention,

b) he really is genuinely unlucky,

c) he actually is clairvoyant (which if substantiated raises interesting career options …), or

d) there is something not quite useful in his thinking …

Granted, we had had problems with his computer last year, and yes, one earlier game had to be replaced (but has worked fine ever since).   So, no surprises as to what was the “evidence” that was quoted as “proof” that he is indeed blessed with a wicked genie...

Upon hearing my son's prophetic statement of knowing what was going to happen, I was struck by how easily I do exactly the same thing.  Reinforced by years of habit, how seductively believable this type of "thinking" or “knowing” actually is. 

Standing in the supermarket waiting to check out or sitting in traffic queued up at the lights – ever noticed that other lanes move faster than yours?  I do.

Why do I always choose the slow lane? ("It always happens to me.").

Well, let me apply a little bit of logic to what “always happens to me…”

In the supermarket, say 5 checkout lanes are available. All things being equal, I should expect that my lane will be the fastest only on 1 in 5 occasions or approximately 20% of the time. In other words, I should expect that at least one other lane will be faster most of the time (ie 80% of the time!!!).

Hmmm. That’s not how my brain computes it – I just recall that other lanes are always faster …. Our subconscious apparently not only generates unbidden, unchallenged beliefs but it then combines with a memory editing function … a selective, "convenient memory".   I conveniently forget those occasions where I have not  been unduly delayed ...

Same logic for traffic.

Two lanes – which is faster?  Well, all things being equal, each lane will be faster 50% of the time. But what do I recall?    Not that I get my fair share of traffic flow and that it usually equals out over distance anyway.   Oh no – I remember the delays (to me) caused by traffic.   Just what are all these stupid people doing here anyway? Haven’t they something better to do than to (deliberately) delay me? 

Here is a "bargain" belief that combines 2 categories in one!

• "I'm being persecuted" - I'm being unfairly delayed, with
• "Judgemental" - I shouldn't be delayed at all!

Hmm, given the above arithmetic, an apology seems in order.

“I hereby apologise to any supermarket staff over the years if I have been impatient due to my perception of being deliberated persecuted by slow service.”

(Mind you this is not an excuse for sloppy service from now on ...)

Each of these 3 examples – computer games that don’t work; "unfair" traffic jams and supermarket queues - demonstrate both

• how we react to what we think is happening, as well as
• what we remember happened

is clearly and significantly influenced by the unchallenged beliefs our subconscious ‘brings’ to every experience in the first place.

So, what is the value to us of having a subconscious that lobs these easily overlooked ‘thought hand grenades’ into everything that we do?

What was the benefit to my son of this illusionary (or is that delusional?) self-fulfilling prophecy?   After all, if the game had worked then I presume his selective thinking would conveniently ignore the fact leaving the belief more or less intact.

 
Left unchallenged, the potential impact of these unchallenged beliefs on our judgement could well be significant even catastrophic in any one moment. 

"I am losing out" in this traffic jam. Impatience.
Rash driving decision - say to "jump" lanes of traffic.
Screech of brakes.

You can fill in the rest.

 

What impact does the stress associated with our unchallenged thoughts - our anger, distress, and frustration when reality does not comply with our expectations – actually have on reality any way?

How productive is the associated stress at influencing any particular situation or outcome?

Zero, of course. The computer game, for example, remained unmoved by my son’s angst.  It was impervious, even blissfully unaware, of concepts of anger, emotions in general.  (The game has no emotion chip apparently …)

Let me stay with my son for a moment.   The stress was actually counter-productive.

Firstly, his ability to think calmly about his situation was clearly clouded by his frustration. In that moment and for quite a while later, he did not or was unable to consider the reasons why the game would not work and what possibilities he might have to rectify the situation.   This seemed particularly true given his stated expectation that it, and I presume any effort to correct the situation, would not work in the first place!

As a strategy for maximising performance, it seems to me to be a particularly poor one.   Better if he had been able to laugh off the situation and calmly, rationally analyse his options and move on …

Secondly, his clearly incorrect belief that this “always happens to him” has just received significant reinforcement by a pertinent, emotionally charged, ‘piece of evidence’.   How will this colour future situations he encounters?   What might be the impact on his choice of words or actions if this belief sits unchallenged behind his thinking and judgement?

So, we know the stress we generate from the conflict between reality and our expectations/beliefs of what should happen has zero impact on reality.  What then is the benefit we obtain from having a subconscious that serves up these unchallenged beliefs that create such stress in the first place?   Is there any reason to retain these stressed thoughts?

 
In her book, "Loving What Is", Byron Katie talks of the futility of arguing with what is, arguing with reality - and that if you do, you lose "but only 100% of the time". She simply asks why bother to create so much mental fatigue that by its very nature generates so little if any benefit?

This is not to argue we should passively accept the status quo but rather consider what is the benefit of wasting energy on what is ultimately unproductive stress?

 It would seem obviously smarter and more productive to stop arguing with reality, accept what is, is - and then spending one's energy concentrating on generating possibilities of handling or improving the situation.

Smarter, yes. Yet most of us don't.

The good news is that our subconscious is a highly adaptable program doing its best to protect us from harm. The unchallenged thoughts are learned, not "hardwired" - and if understood, can be turned around.

The greatest cost comes from ignoring or even denying these thoughts exist, why they are there and accepting them as "gospel".

When working with managers and their teams, I spend time exploring what people believe, identifying thoughts that limit, individually or as a group, what they believe they could possibly do.

Beliefs that include "I'm being persecuted", "self-limiting", or "judgemental".

By bringing these into the light of inquiry, as Katie talks of, sometimes we can relieve unproductive stress by unpicking some of these common beliefs to achieve significant improvements in freeing up and aligning team performance.

If you are finding that you have unchallenged beliefs that are intruding substantially into your life, don't hesitate to seek professional support to help surface these beliefs, understand them, and in time feel them let you go.   For many, this may be finding a coach, for others a counselling psychologist will have the skills and experience to help you get to the bottom of what you need to work on!

Contact the Australian Psychological Society and they will be pleased to refer you to an appropriately skilled practitioner in your area.

Cheers
Nic

 ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­____________________________

 
Since 1997, nic eddy + associates has been working with CEOs and senior managers to achieve greater value with people - both inside and outside their organisations.

 Helping to unpick some of the operating "rules" that subtly impede workflow.

 

Helping to improve the understanding of CEOs, Managers and their staff in how they each prefer to interact with others.

Please call me 0418 511 002, or contact me by email at nic@eddy.net.au to discuss how I can work with you to realise a better return on your resources and time. For further information, see also www.eddy.net.au

"Loving What Is" by Byron Katie was published by Harmony Books in 2002. Distribution in Australia by  Random House.

For further information regarding the work of Byron Katie, see www.thework.com 

 

jumping to conclusions: j-t-c

 

or the a-b-c of thinking in stereotypes

We all do it.   Can't help ourselves.  This jumping to conclusions business.

And in the face of ever greater volumes of competing information in our lives, the prevalence of j-t-c (must have an acronym to be credible) seems to be on the increase.

I think we don't pay enough attention to the pros and cons of the fundamental wiring and software that comes, free of charge, with every human brain. The default operating system you get when you arrive on planet (although it does take a while to set up) comes without a user manual.

And we certainly don't pay in particular enough attention to how two interdependent major mental processes interact in such a way as to result in a very human trait we all share,

- the propensity to jump to conclusions.

Our brains come hard-wired for pattern recognition/learning in everything that we do.   A full-time, real-time, subconscious software program that attempts to automate everything it encounters.   All at the speed of thought.

This amazingly adaptive learning process has one primary objective and benefit:

to free our conscious attention to focus on what is important or changing in the world around us, rather than wasting precious mental resources on what can be safely ignored for the moment or disregarded altogether. 

An obvious secondary benefit is that in learning, we are subsequently able to do more with the same limited resources – our body and mind.

For example, in learning to ride a bicycle as children, we learnt the complex sequence of muscle control to balance on two thin wheels.  Having learnt to do so, we now no longer need think about it – we have become unconsciously competent.  Our conscious attention is freed to focus on what is important and what is changing - where we are going and the traffic around us.

The process applies equally to all things psychological - to our thoughts, emotions and interactions with others. 

Unbidden, our mind identifies what is similar about every situation we encounter and automatically creates/evolves working presumptions, from prior learning (experience), to speed up our capacity to deal with the [new] situation we now face. Whatever is fast and effective that will reduce the demands on our conscious attention at any one moment.

But as usual, there is no free lunch.

As remarkable as the pattern recognition/learning process is, we are all aware that it is definitely not error proof.   Our brain makes its best approximation based on learning from prior experience and the information available in the moment.   Being an approximation, it is by definition not exact.  Our best approximation may be insufficient in the face of changing circumstances, or at times, just plain wrong.

But, whether we will admit to an error is determined by an interdependent and equally elusive process - our ego.

When our pattern recognition/learning software meets our ego with its unique needs, a working approximation or presumption can stop being treated as an hypothesis - this could be right - and can easily be ‘elevated’ by our ego beyond 'opinion' to the exultant rank of ‘truth’ or ‘fact’.

In short, it is easy to believe our own press - that we know all the answers.   

All humans run the danger of operating from the ultimate ego-based presumption that,

"My presumptions are accurate - there is no reason for me to stop to check how accurate or relevant, in fact, they are."

Suddenly, rather than just having a useful hypothesis as a starting point, we act or speak with a degree of conviction unwarranted by the quality of information we used to come to the conclusion in the first place.

We jump to conclusions - and promptly set our working hypothesis/presumption into mental concrete.

At this point we are operating in a closed loop.    New information will have to be glaringly different before we are likely to reconsider.   The chances of learning plummet.

A simple example.

Some time ago, I was at a meeting that dragged on beyond its scheduled end time (surprise, surprise).
I had a touch of gastro and the need to ‘go’ became steadily more important than continuing to sit in the meeting.

One of my colleagues next to me, however, read my shifting in my seat as my unexpressed disagreement with the opinions of the presenter.   Later he told me he had thought,

“Well, from the way you were moving around in your seat, I could see I wasn't alone in disagreeing with what was being said.”

This sparked sufficient motivation for him to ask questions.    Good questions as it turned out but originally motivated by an erroneous interpretation of my restlessness.   Lengthened the meeting too which I definitely could have done without ....

We both had a good laugh afterwards, as we realised it had been his turn to jump to an incorrect conclusion.   In the meeting, to him it had been obvious what my restlessness meant.   He never doubted his presumption.

In the blink of an eye,

presumption
became conclusion
became fact. 

I believe the pressures, both real and self-imposed, under which many managers work exacerbates the allure of j-t-c.

It is not unreasonable for managers to desire to be (or to be perceived to be) in control, to be right, to be able to do things once, quickly, especially when working to tight deadlines with stretched resources.

Faced with these pressures, anyone, manager or otherwise, can easily be seduced to jump to conclusions rather than pausing to check the validity of his/her presumptions.

The interaction between our pattern recognition/learning process with all the subtleties of our ego needs can so easily mis-lead us into something of a thinking "slippery slope",

• Without sufficient self-awareness, presumptions filtered by our ego can lead us to poor judgements - jumping to conclusions.

• Without questioning our presumptions, we can end up thinking in stereotypes. 

• Thinking in stereotypes allows our minds to automate the formation of opinions and attitudes more quickly, with less reflection with views becoming more entrenched – our mind learns to form new presumptions through a lens of increasingly unconscious, distorted stereotypes.   We end up in the thinking world of "isms" - racism, sexism, elitism, ageism.

Stereotypes can be so seductive.   They can give the illusion of certainty; of our being in control, bolstering the ego's needs for self esteem, and perhaps, for some, reinforcing a sense of self-worth and superiority.

Let us not kid ourselves: stereotypes represent the lazy end of the human thinking process.

I was speaking with a manager recently who was complaining about an error in a customer order.   He certainly wasn’t slow at ‘pointing the finger’ at who he said was to blame.   Presenting presumption?    Don’t blame the manager …. 

From the perspective of an outsider to the team, the incident seemed to me to be a reasonable reflection of the state of affairs in the team.    The manager's autocratic management style had effectively squashed any initiative from his staff - they no longer questionned his instructions and concentrated on doing what they were told - "to the letter".  I think a similar incident is likely to repeat sooner rather than later. 

The manager's use of cliques and quick stereotypes combined with his very evident ego suggested he was not interested in considering that his presumptions on how to lead and manage an effective team might need serious revisiting ...


With our ego sitting ever alert, the real danger to our thinking is that we don’t consider what we are presuming,

Selectively filtering information we attend to, to see what we are looking for,

Hear only what confirms presumptions,

Selectively interpret neutral information to confirm the conclusion we seek,

We suspend judgement,

Ah, this makes sense, therefore I’m right.

 

Experience,
self-awareness and wisdom

... matched with patience to stop and question ...

are all that we have to bring to bear against the seductive allure of jumping to conclusions and thinking in stereotypes …

Cheers
Nic

people do what it pays them to do

 

There is a saying I use to remind myself to think carefully about the complex motivations behind the behaviour of any person.   A little reminder to myself that I find slows my tendency to jump to a conclusion - that I understand fully what's going on, and am sufficiently informed to judge how important some issue or event might be considered by someone else...

 

"People do what it pays them to do.”

For me this suggests a straight forward equation:

if the benefits outweigh the costs,
then people act;
if not, they don't.

Quite simple really.   

Well actually, no.   Assessing motivation is anything but simple.   
My litany has to be qualified by 2 important, but anything other than simple, corollaries,

Corollary 1

"How a person determines what is a benefit (or a cost) and how they value each benefit (or cost) is personal, not universal." 

Worth remembering that not everyone responds equally to the same stimulus.

• Money? Sure everyone wants it, but its effect as a motivator varies enormously.
• For some, a major driver is status; others it’s all about work value.
• Some are motivated by change in their work environment, and yet others by the fact that things don’t change.

For most people, it really is a mixture of all of the above and more.

 

Corollary 2

“A person's motivation in any one moment is almost always not just a simplistic reaction to what is happening at that moment.    
Rather, it is the sum of their reaction to the moment measured against all the facets that makes them human."

With work colleagues, I at times have little idea of what is going on in their life – our relationship is primarily defined by the work place.    I am conscious that I may have a very incomplete understanding of what their recent history might be; what prior experiences have significantly shaped their attitudes; subtleties of culture, values etc that in turn shape how their thinking generates presumptions, assesses motivation. 

And it is so easy to presume you know - to project one's own value system as the basis for assessing and interpreting the motivation of others.

Example 1

A newly-appointed manager was commenting on how one of his subordinates was anything but enthusiastic.   He found her unresponsive, demotivated.   She did what was asked but no more.   Just didn't join in ....

His initial conclusion?    The subordinate obviously wasn't all that interested in her work.   

Fortunately he was wise enough to seek additional information from the HR Department before he sought to act.

Being new to the company, the manager was the one person who did not know the heavy burden his subordinate was carrying away from work, with quiet dignity.   No one thought to inform him.   
Great induction, guys.

The manager's initial conclusion, based on the incomplete information available to him initially, was certainly plausible but not the only one possible.   He re-learnt an old lesson - that it pays him to not jump to conclusions that he understands everything affecting his staff ... but to pause and question before acting.

 

Example 2

I encounter versions of the following scenario frequently in the workplace.

A strongly extroverted manager who prefers to think out loud, talk face-to-face about issues and decide what to do there and then.   Some of his team enjoy the dialogue and face-to-face interaction with the manager.   Their contribution is immediate and welcomed.

In the mind of the manager, these staff members are obviously performing well ... .

However, the balance of his team are not extraverted but introverted.   They prefer to think before they speak, and prefer time to consider their opinions.   They see the manager's approach to decision-making as gung ho, sloppy and the speed of his discussion alienating.  They felt the manager was missing other options, potentially jumping to conclusions, responding without sufficient thought.

These team members consider themselves disadvantaged by the strength of the manager's personal preferences in how he works with others as well as by what they see as an unnecessarily precipitous, shoot-from-the-hip management style.

Clearly, the manager is assessing contribution and individual performance through his own strong preferences rather than concentrating on work outcomes, strategic thinking and valuing difference.   A strong personality who is yet to learn how to get the most out of all of his people.

I usually get called in at the end of the first round of performance appraisal process ....

 

Example 3

A year or so ago, I was on an interview panel – one of three interviewing a candidate who on paper was a very good match to our selection criteria.   The candidate presented as a personable, vivacious woman with ready wit and evident intelligence, supported by good research prior to interview.

She was skilled in the way she influenced the panel, using highly polished interpersonal and verbal skills, her physical beauty and vivacity.    I could feel her attempt to persuade us to ignore any doubts and accept her point of view.

And this is for me a key interviewing skill – to retain the mental separation necessary to examine the dynamics in the discussion - to recognise the subtleties and embedded presumptions of what is said and the manner in which it communicated. 

Our unanimous opinion was that this candidate was ambitious, talented but not perhaps a great team player.   

For the panel, it paid us to be cautious in who we added to a team already operating well.

For our candidate, her vivacity, good looks and evident intelligence have resulted in her learning that it pays her to be as she is.


Cheers
Nic

I remember meetings like this …

Early one recent morning, I was sitting in a cafe in relative peace and quiet reading the morning paper. Close to me slowly gathered a team of 10 people for what turned out to be a weekly sales meeting. One of these classic out-of-the-office breakfast meetings with free coffee and croissant as token compensation for everyone turning up earlier than the normal starting time ….

Like it or not, I was to be a passive observer to the meeting.    What I did not anticipate was being presented with a free lesson in how to run a (non )productive meeting – sales or otherwise - and what lessons the sales manager was inadvertently reinforcing…

The abrupt change in conversational tone marked the start of the meeting - to the second of  8 o'clock.  The informal discussions between arriving team members suddenly were replaced with something best described as ‘glazed resignation’.     I soon learnt why.

The sales manager launched into action speaking decisively in facts and figures, providing information and rapidly issuing instructions.     Confident, no room for uncertainty.  Every word and mannerism reinforcing the sense of a man in control – of himself and of his team.  In doing so, he was respectful; wasn’t rude, abusive, or arrogant.    Better described as tunnel-visioned, linear, well-intentioned, driven.

 
The meeting moved efficiently through its agenda: basically a series of  9 individual reports to the sales manager.   Each subordinate in turn endured what felt like to me to be a ritual, weekly, public humiliation of justifying their last week’s activity as well as their proposed schedule for the week ahead.   
Whilst one reported, eight others sat silently, redundant to the immediate conversation, not drawing attention, mentally hibernating, eyes awake, until it was their turn under the sales manager's microscope.

Hang on!    I remember meetings like this!

In asking for comments, the sales manager paused for a brief moment before answering himself, speaking quickly, to the point.   No time for debate that might lengthen the meeting and delay the day ahead …. Responses by staff were confined to providing specific information or asking questions of what he thought they should do … in effect, seeking additional instructions.    And our action man seemed very happy to issue them.

His comments were relevant, certainly.     But, throughout the meeting there was hardly an opinion that wasn’t his.     Nine people who attended the meeting were taught, once again I would guess, attendance was compulsory but their thinking certainly wasn’t.

In fact, I have very bad memories of meetings like this…

At its end as staff rose to go, conversation again slowly restarted - the earlier chatter could now be better described as quiet mutterings typical after any such meeting,

"Thank heavens that's over for another week.  When it's not my turn to sit up and perform, I end up drinking so much coffee to stay awake."

Or the one I really liked because it summed it up so well,

“He’s [sales manager] like a broken record … we could have taped last week's meeting, blindfolded everyone this week and spent the time guessing when we were using the tape or when he was speaking …"

General laughter. And a concerned look from the sales manager from across the collection of café tables, “were they laughing at him?”

 

Yep, they were - I remember those post-meeting mutterings; the derogatory humour at the manager’s expense (that’s compulsory); and the plotting how to generate a plausible excuse to get out of next week’s meeting …

 

So, let me, as a conscript observer, describe the atmosphere and style of the meeting.

• atmosphere – depowering, disengaging, demotivating; a defensive culture based on justification. 
• management style - autocratic; authoritarian; marginalising.
• knowledge management - linear; repetitive; information/fact based; redundant.

From the sales manager’s behaviour and choice of words, what might we conclude regarding his beliefs of himself, and his perceptions of his role and status?

What attitudes did I hear embedded in almost every comment he made throughout the meeting?     Impressions were,

“I am the boss; listen and you will learn from your superior…”

“My ideas work”  from which we might infer that everyone else’s thoughts are less valuable, less relevant ….

“It is more efficient (read: faster) to listen to me as I know what is important ….”

“Learn to do what I say, not think for yourself; you will be slower and you might be wrong. I am confident I will not.”

 

Well, given attitudes like those, what fundamental lessons did the sales manager appear, however inadvertently, to be teaching his staff?

Learned helplessness – “take the problem to the boss, he works it out.”

“The boss prefers to make decisions.”

"My opinion doesn’t count ...”

“Good performance is doing what you are told to do and not anything else.”

"Initiative is frowned upon.”

And of course, “Tuesday mornings are an absolute pain …”

What has the sales manager perhaps taught himself?

“I have to make all the decisions as my staff can’t.”

“The best way to run a sales meeting so as to keep to schedule and keep control is the way we do it.”

“If I don’t keep on their backs, they won’t do the work and sales will drop.”

“The best way to teach staff is to tell them until they get it.”

“I can summarise most issues faster than any of the others, so for the sake of efficient meetings, it makes sense for me to do most of the talking.”

Based on my observations and interpretation of his behaviour, what would I have liked to ask the sales manager?

Three areas to explore,

• What does he believe is essential in a good manager?   Get him to describe examples of great managers he has worked with, and identify the factors and behaviours that made them so good ….

• What does he believe he does well and what could he do better?   How could he find out? What else could he do that would support his staff to do the best they can?

• The sales manager needs certain information from his staff.   What options does he have that doesn't require nine staff to be lined up each week for their turn to justify themselves?    How could he, in turn, add value to individual team members so that they are both well informed and learn from interactions with him?

Yes, this might mean a radical new approach to sales meetings!!

Oh yes, I remember meetings just like this one.   It summarised perfectly what my then manager didn’t understand what my colleagues and I needed,

• to be led not ‘administrated’,
• to be motivated not constrained,
• to pool our collective ideas to create something greater, not have the same information, the same maxims presented week after week …

He never listened, never got it.   It was a significant reason why I and others eventually left.

Oh yes, I remember meetings just like this one very well …

Cheers
Nic

counting the cost of an ‘office affair’

A while ago, I was approached by a client to investigate a sudden management team ‘communication’ problem in one of his company's divisions.  Once the rubble was cleared away, what was left were the immediate and long-term effects of an office affair.  Without going into the gory details, a very senior manager was concentrating on studying anatomy, and his Executive Assistant (EA) had a related and significant change in her opinion of herself and the importance of her role as gatekeeper between the very senior manager and the balance of his management team.  Messy.   

What struck me at the time quite forcibly was the added stress others in the organisation had had to endure.    Which also made me pause to consider the potential commercial costs from the company's perspective. 

I came to an early conclusion: from an organisational point of view - the best outcome of an office affair is neutral.

That’s it. The best outcome for a company from an affair is that there is no detrimental impact in the short and long-term. In all other circumstances, it seems to me the company loses directly or indirectly.

I would really like to hear of circumstances where there was a direct affair-related benefit to the company. I am excluding unsubstantiated (apocryphal?) claims of horizontal sales successes, thank you very much. (Or to put it another way, it would make for an interesting customer survey: “So you can confirm that we only got the order because our sales rep slept ….”    You get the idea.)

 

Point #1  - What happens next?

In a related aside, my then 15 year-old son demonstrated wisdom beyond his years regarding why he would never go out with girls from his own school, 

“If you break up, Dad, you are both still at the same school. You’ve got years of afterwards to get through. Not smart.”         
(Such wisdom at such a young age .... must be his Mum’s influence…)

Most affairs end. Some amicably; some due to one partner rethinking; some just fizzing out; some by discovery.   So in line with a 15 year-old’s wisdom is point #1 - What happens next?    What about all those ‘afterwards’? 

What are the odds both can continue to work as before, unscathed?

In the best case, yes.   In all others, less than certainly.  I wonder how frequently the reasons given for someone resigning hides another truth: that an office affair never ends (or for their spouses, is proven to end) until there is physical separation/ no contact.

And for the company?  It pays in lost productivity, and resultant associated costs of recruiting new staff, retraining, etc. - that will probably be attributed to ‘natural’ turnover.

 

Point #2  - Impact on work colleagues can be subtle and often difficult to assess or anticipate.

Back to our very senior manager: he granted his EA a ‘significant’ salary increase (read: % greater than most) that given the quietly growing knowledge of their relationship, resulted in some staff being disgruntled about lack of  fairness … and some classic cracks about the latest innovation in how to conduct a ‘performance’ appraisal.   
At this point, it was irrelevant how well the EA completed her work (and opinions varied greatly on that point): any salary review or bonus payment above the norm was construed as undeserved.

So, for the company, one unanticipated impact of the affair?    A degree of loss of trust by staff regarding transparent fairness by management in how they [staff] are treated and valued; that the performance appraisal system, for example, reflected work-based merit.

In this case, it got worse.  The clearly-defined role of an EA became distorted due to an inflated sense of self-importance.   The EA had been encouraged to consider her role as more than a diary gatekeeper - more like a gatefilter.   

For managers, the EA was now unpredictable and ‘politically dangerous’.    Messages to the very senior manager were correspondingly more cautiously expressed and subtly slowed as managers sought greater consensus prior to putting forward concerns or new ideas. 
It was no surprise, then, that the problem presented initially to the Group MD as a management team communication issue ...

With many circumspect office affairs, there is probably little if any impact on work colleagues; here it slowly became anything but ...

The inevitable was predictable once others started to pay a cost.   I heard later that the EA 'decided' it was time to move on; the very senior manager found he had lost the until then complete trust of the Group MD and some time later also left.

The whole episode, along with its associated costs, was filed away under

"one of the many unpredictable things
a CEO has to deal with
- the less said the better".

Cheers
Nic

the art of obtaining constructive feedback

These days at least 95% of applications for a new job are received by e-mail.  Personally, I do not think it too much to ask of executive recruiters that each applicant receives both:

• an acknowledgement of receipt of his/her application by return e-mail; as well as
• provide a second follow-up outcome email – a simple "thanks but no thanks" for those who made an effort to put their hat in the ring but were not successful.

After sending a recent ‘thanks but no thanks’ email, I received two phone calls in quick succession.   Both candidates missed making the final interview list and rang to seek feedback on their respective applications.   

The difference in their approach to the same conversation made an extraordinary difference to the outcome. 

‘Tony’ was the first to ring: what happened in the first seconds of his call gave great insight into the art of how (not) to obtain meaningful feedback ...

He launched into the conversation,

"I would appreciate receiving some frank feedback.  Given my significant experience, I am amazed that I was not offered an interview."

  His request for feedback was fine but I distinctly recall the words ‘significant’ and ‘amazed’ were accompanied with a tone of voice that suggested a prickliness of someone ready to argue the issue.

His phone manner recalled my hesitation when reading his application originally regarding his written expression …a sense he was not shy in stating how confident he was in his experience and what he had to offer.   There is a balance in all things, if you get my drift.   On this occasion however, he was clearly not the best candidate in either experience or qualifications. 

Irrespective of how good or bad I might be at providing feedback, in those opening seconds he communicated one basic point.   His primary emotional reason for the call was not feedback but to reassure himself of his intrinsic worth; the very reasonable need to be acknowledged as valuable and experienced.

My response was caution: I was conscious of immediately being careful with the words I chose in reply.    I felt he wasn’t listening for learning but possibly for ‘ammunition’ to mount an argument.   I became guarded, less frank, and potentially less useful.

After his phone call, I sat and thought about Tony and his approach to the phone call.   I had to laugh at myself: I undoubtedly have approached similar circumstances in the same frame of mind.

For Tony, what would usually be the aim of seeking feedback on his application?   Clearly, to find out more of what the recruiter is looking for so as to improve his résumé and hence, increase the chance that the (next) recruiter is persuaded to ring and ask for an interview.

Tricky things, résumés. They need a lot of work to get right.

Literally five minutes later, ‘Greg’ rang to thank me for informing him of the outcome of his application (he thanked me) and politely asked for feedback on his application.   He asked open questions about content, layout - he raised issues, seeking my opinion.   He had clearly prepared in advance, thought of what he wanted to know, areas to explore.

It was more than that though.   Preparation is important but it was his attitude that was the key.   Greg clearly communicated to me that here was someone keen to do better and here was a recruiter he could tap to do so.    I was struck by his intelligent approach to the conversation …. and no, this was not because I like the sound of my own voice...    His attitude immediately created an ease in speaking with him.    He did not challenge what I said; rather he listened and then asked clarifying questions.    It was well done.

Oh yes, I made careful notes on his file regarding both his preparation and obviously sound inter-personal skills.   If he applies for another position I am managing, I will have good reason to pause and think more carefully.   After all, I now have first-person information in addition to his résumé to motivate me to call!    And I'll bet his résumé improves too …

So let’s go back to the start.   

Because it is before the request for feedback is made that the probability of realising the potential of constructive feedback is won and lost.

Thought # 1 is clear – asking for feedback is usually a good thing.    The response to requests for feedback is generally positive.   We all like to offer our cent’s worth and most of us are very willing to do so with little prompting …

Thought # 2 – one agenda and one emotion at a time!    With Tony, his opening words introduced other emotions, other motivations over and above seeking feedback.    If you are not ready to listen then wait until you are.

Thought # 3 - feedback is as good as the motivation of both parties allow.
With Tony, I didn't even have the opportunity to be useful (or not!): he wasn't listening.    Greg on the other hand was all ears …

Thought # 4 – if you seek feedback, then your role is appreciative enquiry – that is shut up and listen!    Asking for feedback infers you value the opinion of the other person.   That they have a valid point of view, a position of authority, or experience that generates respect.   If it is worth asking, then it is at least worth listening.

Thought # 5 – in constructive feedback, preparation and then ‘open’ questions generate more information and are not perceived as defensive or laden with other issues.  This is a one-off opportunity to collect new data - your primary task is to listen.   Thinking about what is said should be reserved for later, after you have had time to consider what was said and why.

Thought # 6 – take notes and say so – it is much harder to argue when you are also trying to write notes of what is being said!       Besides, this greatly assists your own post-discussion debrief.    In this case, these were my opinions that were sought; both Tony and Greg are welcome to agree or disagree, use or not at their leisure.

Thought # 7 – emails are cheap – send a thank you!!!

Tony may not have helped himself, or maybe he did the best he could at that moment.    However, he and Greg certainly reminded me that preparation and attitude in how I approach such a simple task dictates ultimately the value of what I receive.

 

Cheers
Nic