Arguing with reality

"You can question reality and you'll lose,

but only 100% of the time."

I recently came across "The Work" by Byron Katie – a surprisingly simple process for questioning the unchallenged beliefs that sit in everybody's subconscious. You know the ones. The thoughts that ‘pop’ into your head. The beliefs that blindly lob in from out of nowhere into your thinking - about what you ‘should’ believe, what you ‘should’ be worried about.

An array of thoughts that accompany our every waking moment, completely unbidden – you wake up and in they come. Untested, frequently unproductive - accompanied without any certificate or guarantee of accuracy for that matter. 

Yet these beliefs often survive relatively unnoticed and unchallenged, fundamentally altering how we experience the world around us.

 It seems to me that these thoughts fall into 3 broad categories,

1  -  I'm being persecuted,

"I knew that would happen (to me)."
(apparently it is possible to be clairvoyant)

"I never win.”
(Never? Or do you mean you just conveniently forget the occasions when you have? Apparently not frequently enough to make an impression.)

“I never have any luck.”
(We’ll ignore the fact that you're probably reasonably healthy, have food to eat, a roof over your head at night, access to electricity, computer and the Internet, and sufficient education to read this!)

 

2  -  self limiting,

“I’m not good enough.”
and you definitely know this, how?)

“I can’t do that.”
(Believe it and presto! you get more evident proving you're right …)

“I don’t deserve …”
(in the sense that you somehow have been judged as unworthy or unwashed or unsomething ...)

Or 3  -  judgemental
thoughts that infer somehow that one person is superior or inferior to another,

"that's not my job"
(deny responsibility; don't blame me, it's not my fault ….)

“I’m better than you are."
(This one comes in a plethora of subtle versions.)

”She’s prettier.” "He’s fat." "Look at the size of her nose." "What a stupid thing to say."
(An ad nauseum myriad of desperate little thoughts usually trying to pretend they are evidence of superiority.)

What had me pondering about our often overlooked, but never absent, subconscious stream of thoughts was a conversation I had recently with my 14 year old son regarding a new computer game that didn’t work.

His anticipation had been building – he had saved up for the game, paid a deposit and waited for its release - which made what happened next all the more disappointing for him.

Install program, crash. Groan of disappointment. Reboot program. Crash again. Groan. Reboot laptop, then program. Crash again. Response censored.

And I then he surprised me by saying what I think is a classic example of an unchallenged belief,

“I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. This always happens to me.”
(that's the "I'm being persecuted" clairvoyant belief, isn't it?)

When gently challenged for proof of this claim that it was true he knew that this would happen, his response was adamant,

“This always happens (to me).”

From which I infer that,

a) he has been marked by the universe for particularly ‘special’ unlucky attention,

b) he really is genuinely unlucky,

c) he actually is clairvoyant (which if substantiated raises interesting career options …), or

d) there is something not quite useful in his thinking …

Granted, we had had problems with his computer last year, and yes, one earlier game had to be replaced (but has worked fine ever since).   So, no surprises as to what was the “evidence” that was quoted as “proof” that he is indeed blessed with a wicked genie...

Upon hearing my son's prophetic statement of knowing what was going to happen, I was struck by how easily I do exactly the same thing.  Reinforced by years of habit, how seductively believable this type of "thinking" or “knowing” actually is. 

Standing in the supermarket waiting to check out or sitting in traffic queued up at the lights – ever noticed that other lanes move faster than yours?  I do.

Why do I always choose the slow lane? ("It always happens to me.").

Well, let me apply a little bit of logic to what “always happens to me…”

In the supermarket, say 5 checkout lanes are available. All things being equal, I should expect that my lane will be the fastest only on 1 in 5 occasions or approximately 20% of the time. In other words, I should expect that at least one other lane will be faster most of the time (ie 80% of the time!!!).

Hmmm. That’s not how my brain computes it – I just recall that other lanes are always faster …. Our subconscious apparently not only generates unbidden, unchallenged beliefs but it then combines with a memory editing function … a selective, "convenient memory".   I conveniently forget those occasions where I have not  been unduly delayed ...

Same logic for traffic.

Two lanes – which is faster?  Well, all things being equal, each lane will be faster 50% of the time. But what do I recall?    Not that I get my fair share of traffic flow and that it usually equals out over distance anyway.   Oh no – I remember the delays (to me) caused by traffic.   Just what are all these stupid people doing here anyway? Haven’t they something better to do than to (deliberately) delay me? 

Here is a "bargain" belief that combines 2 categories in one!

• "I'm being persecuted" - I'm being unfairly delayed, with
• "Judgemental" - I shouldn't be delayed at all!

Hmm, given the above arithmetic, an apology seems in order.

“I hereby apologise to any supermarket staff over the years if I have been impatient due to my perception of being deliberated persecuted by slow service.”

(Mind you this is not an excuse for sloppy service from now on ...)

Each of these 3 examples – computer games that don’t work; "unfair" traffic jams and supermarket queues - demonstrate both

• how we react to what we think is happening, as well as
• what we remember happened

is clearly and significantly influenced by the unchallenged beliefs our subconscious ‘brings’ to every experience in the first place.

So, what is the value to us of having a subconscious that lobs these easily overlooked ‘thought hand grenades’ into everything that we do?

What was the benefit to my son of this illusionary (or is that delusional?) self-fulfilling prophecy?   After all, if the game had worked then I presume his selective thinking would conveniently ignore the fact leaving the belief more or less intact.

 
Left unchallenged, the potential impact of these unchallenged beliefs on our judgement could well be significant even catastrophic in any one moment. 

"I am losing out" in this traffic jam. Impatience.
Rash driving decision - say to "jump" lanes of traffic.
Screech of brakes.

You can fill in the rest.

 

What impact does the stress associated with our unchallenged thoughts - our anger, distress, and frustration when reality does not comply with our expectations – actually have on reality any way?

How productive is the associated stress at influencing any particular situation or outcome?

Zero, of course. The computer game, for example, remained unmoved by my son’s angst.  It was impervious, even blissfully unaware, of concepts of anger, emotions in general.  (The game has no emotion chip apparently …)

Let me stay with my son for a moment.   The stress was actually counter-productive.

Firstly, his ability to think calmly about his situation was clearly clouded by his frustration. In that moment and for quite a while later, he did not or was unable to consider the reasons why the game would not work and what possibilities he might have to rectify the situation.   This seemed particularly true given his stated expectation that it, and I presume any effort to correct the situation, would not work in the first place!

As a strategy for maximising performance, it seems to me to be a particularly poor one.   Better if he had been able to laugh off the situation and calmly, rationally analyse his options and move on …

Secondly, his clearly incorrect belief that this “always happens to him” has just received significant reinforcement by a pertinent, emotionally charged, ‘piece of evidence’.   How will this colour future situations he encounters?   What might be the impact on his choice of words or actions if this belief sits unchallenged behind his thinking and judgement?

So, we know the stress we generate from the conflict between reality and our expectations/beliefs of what should happen has zero impact on reality.  What then is the benefit we obtain from having a subconscious that serves up these unchallenged beliefs that create such stress in the first place?   Is there any reason to retain these stressed thoughts?

 
In her book, "Loving What Is", Byron Katie talks of the futility of arguing with what is, arguing with reality - and that if you do, you lose "but only 100% of the time". She simply asks why bother to create so much mental fatigue that by its very nature generates so little if any benefit?

This is not to argue we should passively accept the status quo but rather consider what is the benefit of wasting energy on what is ultimately unproductive stress?

 It would seem obviously smarter and more productive to stop arguing with reality, accept what is, is - and then spending one's energy concentrating on generating possibilities of handling or improving the situation.

Smarter, yes. Yet most of us don't.

The good news is that our subconscious is a highly adaptable program doing its best to protect us from harm. The unchallenged thoughts are learned, not "hardwired" - and if understood, can be turned around.

The greatest cost comes from ignoring or even denying these thoughts exist, why they are there and accepting them as "gospel".

When working with managers and their teams, I spend time exploring what people believe, identifying thoughts that limit, individually or as a group, what they believe they could possibly do.

Beliefs that include "I'm being persecuted", "self-limiting", or "judgemental".

By bringing these into the light of inquiry, as Katie talks of, sometimes we can relieve unproductive stress by unpicking some of these common beliefs to achieve significant improvements in freeing up and aligning team performance.

If you are finding that you have unchallenged beliefs that are intruding substantially into your life, don't hesitate to seek professional support to help surface these beliefs, understand them, and in time feel them let you go.   For many, this may be finding a coach, for others a counselling psychologist will have the skills and experience to help you get to the bottom of what you need to work on!

Contact the Australian Psychological Society and they will be pleased to refer you to an appropriately skilled practitioner in your area.

Cheers
Nic

 ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­____________________________

 
Since 1997, nic eddy + associates has been working with CEOs and senior managers to achieve greater value with people - both inside and outside their organisations.

 Helping to unpick some of the operating "rules" that subtly impede workflow.

 

Helping to improve the understanding of CEOs, Managers and their staff in how they each prefer to interact with others.

Please call me 0418 511 002, or contact me by email at nic@eddy.net.au to discuss how I can work with you to realise a better return on your resources and time. For further information, see also www.eddy.net.au

"Loving What Is" by Byron Katie was published by Harmony Books in 2002. Distribution in Australia by  Random House.

For further information regarding the work of Byron Katie, see www.thework.com 

 

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